25 Days

What I Did Over Christmas & New Years (2006-2007)
Between December 16, 2006 and January 9, 2007, a period of 25 days, my two older children returned from studying abroad in England and Japan, then left again for school, and my dad died, slipping loose from his family after an intractable, continual decline in health.

We celebrated quiet homecomings, I clinging to the moments of having my children around me for yet one more time amid their growing up and becoming independent— at the same time straining my vision for the homecoming promised my dad on the near side of heaven.

All were coming home.

All my four sisters were home in Hawaii for one more Christmas with Dad, knowing that his frail body would not likely accommodate another year. We were forced to talk about death and come face to face with how the shapes of our lives would change when the one male in our primal family left.

My daughter Noelle turned 21, the legal age of independence, a sure reminder that our nuclear family would be experiencing many new changes in the years ahead and that I was not in the driver's seat. She had license to drive her own life. We had given her our best, and I was seeing her wide open future rising broad on the horizon.

25 days brought moments of clarity because I was forced to think about who I was, to take a position, find my voice for myself as well as those I love. I had to talk with God a lot about the things that matter most. I had to reevaluate, revalidate, re-value. Life’s beginnings and ends took center stage, one leading into the other and out again. I had to take redemption seriously.


These are the moments that made my 25 days:
I…
Laughed
Wept
Rejoiced
Spent
Indulged
Enjoyed
Bore up
Shut up
Allowed
Gave
Received
Remembered
Passed on
Loved
Thanked
Worried
Mourned
Let go
Welcomed home
Bid goodbye
Sighed
Said what I needed
Held tight
Held on
Watched
Listened
Stood still
Caught my breath
Reconnected
Grew
Aged
Took a step forward
Took a look back
Huddled under God’s wings
Looked down
Looked up
Looked out

Best things
Laughing every day with my daughter.
Taking home the ham door prize at a Christmas party.
The night before he left, shopping for toiletries (shampoo, soap, deodorant) with my 18 year old son, Dylan, no longer a boy but a young man.
Watching the delight of 11 year old Quinn in having his big brother home.
Celebrating 25 years of marriage.
Being truly and more thankful than ever for Dan my husband; I am who I am because of him.
Holding my dad’s hand two days before he died.
Remembering my dad with my sisters through stories, photos, belongings left behind.
Appreciating my brothers-in-law; feeling their love, presence and permanence in the circle of our family.
Being Mom.
Being family.
Waking up in the morning and experiencing the peace of knowing all my children were home.

Hardest things
Saying goodbye to my dad and son on the same day. [We buried my dad at Punchbowl National Memorial Cemetary of the Pacific the same morning I put my son onto a plane back to Japan. Two destinations, both far, both which would change them.]

Regrouping, finding new equilibrium after everyone left: Noelle for college in Chicago again, Dylan to distant Japan, my sister to her family in Palo Alto, my dad to God.

Keeping silent when I knew it best to not speak.

Lessons

• God’s love is stronger, more encompassing, more tender, more present, unfailing and more trustworthy than I anticipate.
• When you don’t think you can do or handle more, and life feels unbearably heavy, God will keep us standing if we lean into Him.
• Life is in the moments spent with those we love, not in the monuments.
• Feeling safe is the best feeling.
• Our greatest accomplishments are in passing on to others what we have learned or gained.